We all are going to fight. Hopefully the fights are never physical, but for must of us, a verbal altercation is a regular part of our life. This will be true if you have any significant relationships. Whether it be our spouse, friend, co-worker, or family member — the obstruction of our desires, and the struggle to work it out, is a constant part of our lives.
For only the must cruel amongst us love to fight. They love to fight because they feel like they win. It’s not conflict they like, but domination. But for softer hearts we want our conflicts to be over as quickly as they begin.
So how can we navigate these conflicts? Maybe a boxing illustration will help. After every round a bell rings which signals for the fighters to go to their corners to rest, gather themselves, and re-think strategy. I think every fight needs that imaginary bell: a time to break from the fight itself in order to understand what is actually going on.
But what should we do in our corner? One of the most important things we can do is figure out what it is we actually want. James says, in James 4, that we fight and quarrel because of our desires that wage war within us — we want and do not have, so we quarrel. This is the basic “you are here” sign for any conflict. We have to decide what is fueling this fight from inside us — what we want are not receiving.
When we can be honest with ourselves about what we want, we are in a position to end the spat. That’s because we are now in a position to ask for what we want. Not demand what we want. Not insult when we don’t get what we want, but ask.
In part 2 I will illustrate how this works in practice.
In a world with a large amount of choices, the popular win. When we visit YouTube an incredible array of video choices pop out at us. But we click on “most viewed” to get a good idea of what YouTube is. If we subscribe to Netflix we might default to the Netflix Top 100 to help make our picks for us.
All of us get angry. Anger is the emotional reaction that flows from the obstruction of our will. Just as we feel pain when we jam our toe against a wall, we feel anger when our will is obstructed. Anger is not a sin, but provides plenty of emotional fuel for temptation.
Being a consumer is not always a bad thing. When we go to the grocery store we are thinking about our needs. The stores also want to remind us of our wants. This is completely appropriate, but this is not how you should relate to everything.
I read a passage awhile back that immediately stuck with me. It’s from Seth Godin in his book Tribes. He says that we fail to try important things, not because of fear of failure, but because of fear of criticism. The fear of criticism, not failure, is often what keeps us tied to our chairs.