When you pastor a church you get broken up with multiple times a year. Or better put, people leave your church.

But it’s just like a breakup.  You’ll hear, “it’s not you, it’s me.” “I just don’t think this church is our best fit.” And on it goes.

When this happens it stings.   You want more information.  You ask, “is there anything I can do to get you to reconsider?”

Then you get angry and think about how you are better off without them — “if they just want to be consumer Christians then fine, let them poison another church.”

But then you feel mildly guilty about those thoughts because you should want what is best for them.  And then the slow shame begins to creep in.  You think, “Why didn’t I measure up?” “What could I have done different to make them happy?”  “What is it about me or my leadership that could have prevented all this?”

And then eventually you just accept it, not because you can explain it, but because it just is.  You can’t change it.

So what is a leader to do?  You can understand the break-up process.  Often when people leave it is as if they are saying, “you don’t measure up so I am going to withdrawal.”  And that is why the gospel is so important; because when you didn’t measure up to God, He didn’t withdrawal from you, but came near and helped you.

And what comfort that is!  And that is what can keep you from demonizing people when they do leave.  If God is not making you pay for your sins, you shouldn’t make them pay for theirs either.  And although the break-up is still tough, you actually can legitimately ask, without the shame, “What can I learn from this?”