Most of us will not sit through a church service or read an evangelical book in the next 10 years without hearing something about the need to grieve for what your parents did not give you.

This advice is always given with the best intentions because our view of God is often peppered with how our parents treated us.  If we had aggressive, overbearing parents we tend to believe that God is aggressive and overbearing.  If we had passive, removed parents we may see God as passive and removed.  You get the picture.

Now I quite agree that our experience with our parents will influence our view of God, both positively and negatively.  The question I am trying to answer is what to do about it.  Is it really best to counsel people to focus on what their parents didn’t give them?

No –  not because there isn’t something to grieve.  As soon as you begin to evaluate your parents on what they didn’t give you there will always be evidence to make your case.   It doesn’t matter how good your parents were, you can always find something your parents could have done better.

This is a black hole.  It is not healthy to dwell on what others should have done for you.  It may feel nice for awhile, but this whole view keeps you at the center, blaming another for something you need to take responsibility for.

What we need do is dwell on the good things our parents gave us, even if it is just life.  If your parents didn’t raise you with any knowledge of God, don’t blame them, they didn’t have anything to give.  But instead of gathering evidence for what they didn’t do, reflect on what they did give you. You may find joy, not just a therapeutic pick-me-up.